confessions on a shitty dancefloor

I feel completely ridiculous right now... entertaining thoughts of someone or something out of reach.

Sometimes the momentary hopes and feelings that inspired you when you were younger seem a immature when you are a full-fledged adult.

That being said, being 'fascinating' to someone can sometimes make you feel alive again, right?

these photos are inspiring me hardcore right now.

The lonely pony in Iceland - looking at him makes me feel the icy wind whipping my hair and chilling my cheeks - definitely requires layers upon layers of clothing. I supposed undressing would resemble unwrapping a present.

This gorgeous girl, courtesy of The Sartorialist (<3!!) makes me want to cut bangs again and go extra curry red. Maybe once I get my first full Anthro paycheck.

I love this photo - I can see how she caught his eye - her hair, the glasses, her lips and her personal style... plus an overcast Paris as a background. Wowza!!


Lastly, I love the optimism that is filtering through the balloons in the final photo. The time of day - when the suns warmth wraps you in it's beautiful amber arms and gives you a little squeeze that fills your heart - just before night blankets you in it's infinite stillness.

Getting ready for the final quarter.

admittedly...

Today, I am a bit brighter - a bit like my sunnier self. Optimism hit me at the bottom of my coffee cup and I let the possibilities ahead of me fill me with hope, rather than pessimism and the sense of drowning I felt last week.

I also decided to use the last of the veggies and make a mini-pot of veggie soup.
I am obsessed with soups. This season will be the season of soup.

I love the way the house smells, I love chopping the veggies, I love taking the soup out of the fridge and heating it up, the steam bringing the aroma to my nose and that when I finally taste it, it's like something my mom made - in a word, delicious.

The thrifting bug has hit me again - a wool blanket in Scottish plaid, Mickey waving from an old school sweater, and sheets so soft a Royal would approve. Now for those oxford wingtips I'm dreaming of...

September, or: How the days fly by...

Time has a way of speeding up and letting you know as it shoots by you.

My life and my mind have been in complete upheaval these last few weeks.

First, I felt on top of the world as my impending 29th birthday approached. I thought 'This is my year!' and 'I can accomplish everything and anything I desire!' - I felt powerful and in touch with my core and my passions and my strengths and my future. The day following my uber-low-key celebration with Matt and my bestie Ayana I had the rug pulled from under me... or rather, the huge bundle of colorful, lovely balloons which I was gripping with all my might, floating a la the Miss Dior Cherie ads, well, every single one popped and instantaneously I plummeted to earth, along with my optimism, confidence, and sense of self.

I am feeling myself emerging from the figurative wreckage and piecing myself back together - I am starting a new job a week from today, and I am excited and nervous and settling into the idea of monetary stability and consistency. I am sad that my part-time days are over for now and that I am going to be leaving my nearly decade long career in make-up - only in the full time aspect.

I have started filling in at a friend's thrift shop - I plan on doing so once a week for a while. It's fun and I like the aspect of looking like me - not the poster child of the cosmetics movement.

The nights are getting longer, it's starting to cool down (a little) and there are some small things that I am looking forward to:

the new Diana Gabaldon book
AZ state fair - a few concerts, demolition derby and food, food, food.
sweaters
new employee discount (I am sticking to an allowance!)

Now I just need to shake the remnants of this cold and get my ass to the gym!

one of those really weird Arizona summer days when it's super sunny, hot and humid early on and it just feels blindingly oppressive.

I'm debating on channeling my inner starlet today for work - Sephora has this amazing red lips/liquid eyeliner thing going on and I think that some beautiful waves in my hair and a little smoke to the liner will make me feel much better.

I want to be somewhere far away (with the man who plays my favorite vampire) and have all the things in my mind and body settled.

until then, work, play and everything in between.

birthday blues

Well, in all fairness, not really blues, per se.

More like in my cash strapped madness I have spied many little "presents" that I would love to give myself - and without a pot to piss in, unlike in years past, I am spying them with envy.

Examples:
BP flowy white peasant top - even on sale, too much for me.
Perfume that smells remarkably like one that I treasure, though I have saved but a few drops.
(though this might, at some point, come home with me - at $28 it is not a big splurge)
The Sartorialist - in paperback, a style bible - no computer necessary.

These are the three candles on my wishful birthday cupcake.
12 days and counting!

In other news, Matt is on tour. Spent the weekend in the company of friends, strangers and new friends and had a great time. I rode the light rail, did a little drinking, ran into some folks I haven't seen in a while and spent some time with the bestie. Good times.

I neglected Miss Karenina, and so I must make up for it beginning today. I am debating on whether to call a former-would-be employer and seeing if they will consider hiring me again, for the prospect of a dependable paycheck from a fun and stable company is really starting to win me over.

plus, I could get a discount on fun stuff for my house. bonus!

reality check...

So after I decided, excitedly and absolutely, that the top 100 pre-30 was a realistic undertaking, I seriously thought about it. roughly 380 days before I enter my thirties. 100 books. That leaves me approximately 3.8 days per book. Given that these are literary giants (and I'm not necessarily talkin' size-wise) that some scholars spend decades, if not lifetimes, studying and analyzing, I decided to relax about it and go at my own pace - to enjoy each book for what it is (and also allow myself to enjoy certain novels that might finally be published come September - damn you Claire and Jamie and all that is my infinitely guilty pleasure!).

That said, I am about a fifth of the way into Anna Karenina. I love how the book jumps to each of the different characters' stories. I love the descriptions Tolstoy uses - whether describing the physical manifestation of spring in the Russian countryside, or the rich details he gives about high society life in Moscow and St. Petersburg.

My next literary companion and bedfellow will be 'Slaughterhouse Five' by Kurt Vonnegut. Purchased a used copy yesterday (I'm sure I stole a glance at Matt rolling his eyes) and I think next I will finally delve into 'Lolita'.

Aside from my voracious appetite for all things literary - I have been plotting my own little novel. Time to put pen to paper? Not quite yet.

Oh, and current obsession: Shu Uemura lipstick in WN 260. The perfect purple-toned fuschia.

100

Tonight, I have come up with the most fantastic idea - my pre-30's mental 'bucket list' goal.

I want to read all 100 of the top 100 books before my 30th birthday!

There are so many books I have wanted to read on the list, and why not start as soon as possible.

Anna Karenina, I am coming for you!

Efforts

So today I met with my trainer Michelle and went over food and nutrition for a little bit. She looked at a week's worth of my eating and exercise habits and gave me a new food goal: 1500 calories, and some new ideas for foods and when to eat what. It's definitely a little more restrictive, but I am excited that she gave me some new ideas and it's inspiring me to crack open a few cookbooks for some lentil and veggie ideas.

We also took my measurements and body fat percentage and I am happy to say that I went down 2% in body fat and lost 13 inches and almost 15 pounds. It's been 7 months since I started working with Michelle and even though part of me looks at that kind of progress and thinks it's a little slow, the majority part of me is proud that I have started to accomplish what I set out to do this year - my resolution was to make this year 'my year of fitness'. About 3 months ago I started adding in an extra day or two of cardio at the gym - I soon after attempted a kickbox class and then spin - SPIN! classes. They have quickly become my new obsession - I love huffing and puffing my way through the class and the amazing feeling I get when I leave the gym. In the last two months of doing these classes I have really started to see and feel a difference in my body - exhilarating!

Looking at the last year and 5 months I have, one day at a time, made little changes in my life that are building up to make a big impact. My progress may be slower than a person would normally opt for, but I can honestly say that I began looking to change my life FOR GOOD and all these months later, I have not once deprived myself of something I wanted, only limited how much I had. I feel my body returning to center - it's feeling more like the well oiled machine it is supposed to be than the prison it once was. I look back and feel like I lost sight of who and what I was and went on auto-pilot, only to wake up in horror and get a glimpse of the state I really was in.

It really does work... eat less, move more.

In my dream...

I was on vacation in India (in my mind, though it was more a blend of India, Thailand and Hawaii) with my mom... we were stying at this resort nestled into a lush, green mountain where the fanciest villas were at the top and as u walked down they became more 'moderate'. It was relaxing, beautiful and being with nature was exhilarating, even in my dream.
.
It was getting near dusk, I was walking down the steep main walkway, clad in a tank top and shorts to enjoy the fantastic weather - and my canvas bag thrown across my body - I caught sight of the incredible sunset being reflected in the water from the nearby sea. I reached into my bag to grab my camera - one of those moments you thank God for having a point-and-shoot handy. I began to move to capture the best shot - looking through the viewfinder, I marveled that the pale, milky blue of the sky turned into a lovely amethyst and fuchsia combo - and was mirrored in the pale reflection of the water. Crouching down, I could just capture the scene before me in such a way that there was nothing between the sea and the sky and me... no buildings, no trees, nothing. I pulled the camera down and looking up, slowly, saw that the water was arc-ing over my head . In a panic I looked around me and with nowhere to go, I stuffed my camera into my bag, and with a set of prayers, braced myself for what would ensue.

The water pulled me heavily down and I was lost and overpowered - being pulled in many directions. I came to and I was at the bottom of the big hill... past the resort, into a suburban style neighborhood. I got up and assessed myself and I was actually okay. I began my slow trek back up the mountain...


Now that I have been mulling this dream over, I wonder - what the hell does this dream mean? Another things, a huge tidal wave and I am literally the only one affected by it? No one else running through the streets - houses and trees and the world, seemingly intact. Weird.

travel

I am itching to take a journey and because it's completely unrealistic due to my financial constraints, I am free to take as lush and dramatic a trip as my mind allows.

Right now, I want to fly to Oslo, Norway and rent a fantastic and comfortable car... preferably a convertible. Drive to Larvik and visit my family... perhaps pick up a passenger or two and follow the winding highways of Scandanavia - from Norway to Sweden to Finland (with stop-overs in Stockholm and Helsinki for exploring the streets and all the cities offer) until I finally reach my grandmother's apartment in Gdansk, Poland. A long trip full of amazing experiences, lots of photos and incredible memories, all before my actual 'vacation' begins. Now, that would be incredible.

fashion godddddd...

http://twitter.com/Karl_Lagerfeld


So yesterday I found out that Karl Lagerfeld twitters.

Now, I do not myself twitter - however, I will definitely check in frequently to get a glimpse of the man known as Lagerfeld.

conundrum...um...um

Almost a year into owning my own home, I find myself facing a fork in the road. Make that a few.

I have so many ideas on what to do and how I want things to look.

Let's start with my back room.
It's the size of a small bedroom and houses the washer/dryer and water heater. It was an add-on to the house, adding a whopping 150 sq. feet to our miniscule abode - bringing the total to 850 :).
It is also 2 feet lower than the rest of the house with a mini-stairway. And that said, I mean literally 2 steps.

The problem? Everything we didn't want in the house has gone in there. Old tools. Prints. Junk. Make-up galore (I'm rolling my eyes at myself) and Clothes. Clothes, clothes, clothes. It is completely disorganized. I am sure that we do almost 1.5x the laundry we should because clean gets mixed in with dirty and it all goes back in.

We currently have two of these:


and one of these:















because we literally have no room in our tiny bedroom to use it. It does get a little use, but I have to admit that it is awkwardly placed and a little too big.

I'm thinking this will do -

We have the same one in the living room on it's side to hold records and it's really handy. I am thinking place it lengthwise and use these little baskets to sort clean laundry.



Before I tackle a trip to Ikea I first need to sort, toss and organize the room - and of course I am making lots of progress by sitting in front of the computer and posting about it ;)



Another project that I am inspired by is a mini shelves project in Ready Made magazine - I want to have clusters of dvd's in the corner above our TV - it will get them out of the way and give a little color to the bland walls.


Alright, enough dragging - time to clean.

for you...

If only I could touch you,
the current of my love would flow
from my heart - radiating, hot
into you - your fingertips, your mouth, your body.

And the distance that long ago
cooled your heart
would never again interfere -
the sun would rise with you by my side,
the evening would fall
with your fingers and mine intertwined.

Side by side we would be
today, tomorrow, forever.

lazy thursday?

I've been a little lax in the posting department - okay, very lax.
Today, however, is a new day - and a day full of mini adventures!

-walked the doggies - always a treat!
-hit up the WW - down another 2, woo woo!
-found a new coffee shop/healthy food market - luci (I love the spelling!)
-hit up Bookmans, trolled around for new cheap magazines and sought a new (used) copy of Anna Koreninna. Alas, not to be found, so I decided to finally read Lolita by Nabokov and bought a copy. **note to self** organize books and magazines I wish to pass on and trade for new stories and mags.

next up is an hour of lazily lounging in the bedroom with my new purchases and wait till M comes home for dinner on his last night (pre-tour).

baltic sea

I am craving a vacation. I am dreaming of the Baltic Sea, walking along the streets of Gdansk and visiting my favorite park in Oliwa where the shrubs seek the sky and I imagine myself walking the same path 100, 50 years before.

I am watching so many travel shows that I think it's time I start planning some sort of escape. Spain? Argentina? Poland? where to go...

vip in the a to tha z

So still no job, technically. I have a few freelance opportunities, which is fantastic. Especially since 2 revolve around the NBA all star weekend thats next weekend. VIP party for a prominent Suns player on Friday and then on Sunday, I am working the actual NBA event with the Glam Lounge gals. Exciting times, let me tell you. Should be some great people watching!

Still working out, still hiking. So far Amanda and I have hiked:

South Mountain 2x (Fat Man's Pass and then a smaller trail off of 46th St.)
32nd St. and Lincoln
Piestewa Peak (the Nature Trail, where we veered off the path and ended up in a residential neighborhood and had to walk like a mile and a half back to the preserve)

It's such a beautiful time of year, it's soo nice to be out and feel the sun on my face (tho I had to go buy SPF 70 sunblock so I don't burn...)

You would almost forget it's winter!

a little sunshine above the clouds

Feeling a little better today. Got a slower start to the day, but so far I am in better spirits. I am listening to Mozart, doing a little light cleaning and getting ready to get out of the house.

Plan of things to do over the next few days:

Clean & organize bedroom
Clean & organize bathroom
Create plan on how to tackle the back room
Come up with some ideas on hanging Moi's Pink Girl with Glasses
Get busy so I can stop dwelling on all things job related

I think that's a good start. Let's see how far I get...

seven...

As in 'Number of days I have been job-free'.

I'm feeling myself teetering on the verge of depression. It makes me even sadder, because I am generally a very optimistic person. It's hard to put yourself out there, knowing what you offer, and get nothing back. Is this what blind-dating is like?

I've hiked two little mountains, seen my trainer and I am feeling stronger. I figure, as long as I am on a mini-permanent vacation that I might as well shrink my fat ass a little. I'm starting to wonder if the dogs can keep up...

The great mystery of the ever-shrinking bottom!

times, as they are a-changing

And then I was free...

well, not free as much as 'without'. as in a job.
I became one of the many, many unemployed on this past Thursday. It was shocking and overwhelming and took me a good day and a half to finally stop breaking into a short bout of hysteria.

Now, a few days have passed and I am assessing my options. There seem to be more than a few, and all I really need is something that let's me pay my bills and get groceries, gas, and maybe an extra buck or two for fun.

Yesterday I met up with an old friend, Amanda, and went hiking at South Mountain. It's been so long for both of us that we literally got lost on the way. It's a nice feeling to have what feels like a long conversation and a little walk, but what is really a few hours and a few miles.

Now I am trying to make the most of things, stay positive and enjoy temporarily having no responsibilities for at least a few days.

baby, it's fucking cold outside!

Ok, so today is the first day of my (new) lifelong fitness journey. And I'm already sore!

Met with my new trainer Michelle and I am excited about the good things to come. Was nervous since it's been such a long time since I exercised seriously and woke up early (for me) to take the dogs out before I headed off. It was so cold! Is it too late to get a pair of fingerless gloves so that these earlier expeditions don't leave my digits resembling fish sticks?

Yesterday was a great day in that I accomplished a lot and felt an internal change happen.
I went to the WW and weighed in, happy that for the first holiday season maybe ever I not only didn't gain weight, but I lost a pound or two. It's very empowering that I did it and did it by making healthy choices, even though I did give in to a few sinful ones, too.

For the first time I heard myself say that I am glad I didn't make the job move sooner and I meant it. I am happy with my 8 years I put in at mac and I'm glad I didn't do it sooner - I had a good last year with them and was able to do a lot in that year, both professionally and in my personal life. That said, still happy to have the internal buzz out of my head!

In other news, I had lunch with mom, got a new journal, got some new AA shirts, signed up for said trainer and had a haircut. Feels good!

happy new ear!

well 2008 has come and gone and all in all it was a good year. hell, an almost great year.

At the beginning of 2009 I look back and am thankful for the following:

a new house
20 fewer pounds
a new job with more for less (as in $$$ and stress, respectively)
a luxurious 10-day trip to Gdansk
a happy year with matt and pedro and henry

and so I embark on this new year and new journey and having taken a few days to sort through them have come up with these goals:

lose 40 more
vacations galore: really, I want to go to argentina, but if poland, hawaii, san francisco happen, i will be pretty stoked.
define my personal style
take up drawing.
learn to cook some of my/our favorite dishes
finally dust off my sewing machine and test run a pattern or two
keep up what i started and enjoy another year!

especially now, when things are tough for most people I want to remember the good moments and be thankful when they happen.